It’s been many long months since my last post on this blog. Many loooong months. I thought about shutting the thing down, but I didn’t. I thought someday, maybe, I’d feel like writing again. But why the long pause?
Infertility. It came as a shock. Month after month turned into years. All I had ever wanted was to be a mother, then bam, nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
Then finally, a positive test. A baby!
Then a miscarriage.
Then more nothing.
And snaking its way throughout all of that was what I now, on the other side, will finally admit was probably the miserable thing people call depression.
Infertility is hard. The month to month of trying to cope with it is brutal.
Depression is hard, and the moment to moment of trying to cope with it is brutal.
I have little desire to dive deeply into darkness in this post. In summary, the last several years were some of the most bewildering of my life. What does one do when darkness drowns out happiness for months on end no matter how fiercely you fight it, when your mind feels hazy and you lose control of your emotions? You can hide it somewhat, but sometimes the mask slips.
Logic can turn into a weapon when it only serves to remind you how you are failing miserably and repeatedly. You know there’s absolutely no good reason why you should feel so unable to stop crying all the time, or to stop the swirling thoughts and just go to sleep, or sing in church, or behave normally around pregnant people. The best you can do, sometimes, is really absolutely not enough…to yourself and the people around you.
I believe one’s mind can become one’s greatest enemy.
But darkness doesn’t last forever, and when you finally gain a foothold and crawl out of the pit the light is all the more precious. This year I am thankful for so many things.
There are the obvious ones: a God who DOES care, family and friends, the husband I thoroughly enjoy living life with, and, most amazing of all, a little miracle growing inside me after all that waiting. This one we might get to keep.
I am firmly and fiercely convinced it is one of the most wonderful and awe-inspiring things in the world to be able to feel joy, happiness, hope, and a desire to live.
This year I have had all that, and I am unutterably thankful.
And for anyone out there feeling like there is no hope, things will never get better, God doesn’t care…
There is hope, it will get better, and He does. Please believe me.